Oddosities at the Boca del Infierno
by Buffy-Angelus
Summary: This is a complete and utter PARODY. Take no offense in it at all. Riley bashage >:D B/A.... yeah that's about it. Slight Perfect Dark x-over, Sluggy Freelance x-over


Title: Random Babblings in Boca del Infierno  
Authors: Paige (Buffy_Angelus) and... Camille *LMAO* (LightFlash)  
Rating: PG-13... just 'cause  
Disclaimer: We own NOTHING! :D   
X-overs: Angel, Perfect Dark, and Sluggy Freelance (www.sluggy.com best on-line comic ever :D)  
Summary: Extreme parody of BTVS, around season 4. Don't be offended by anything written, it's complete and utter silliness :D  
Distribution: Anywhere! If you want it... well first we'll make sure that you're not from a mental institution, but then you can take it. So we can see if you're from that mental instituion, e-mail me and ask (Buffy_Angelus13@hotmail.com)  
Feedback: You must reply! I'm not sure if we're going to continue this, but the only reason we will (or at least I will... I don't think ::coughcough:: Camille *ROFL* will.  
  
  
  
Riley skipped down the road, trying to locate Buffy. He felt all giddy for some weird reason, and he twisted the stake in his hands.   
  
"We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!" he sang suddenly and giggled. Being with Buffy made him giddy. It made him do the oddest things. Like start singing while skipping down a road.   
  
Quite randomly, there was a boy with hair dyed orange and spiked that walked on the road opposite him. Anyway. Riley jumped up and down with glee when he saw the object of his search.   
  
"Buffy!" he chirped, running towards her.   
  
Buffy rolled his eyes. There was Riley. Again. Didn't he take a hint? He was even perkier than she was before she became the Slayer, and that was saying something. If he tried out for cheerleading, he probably would have made it. He certainly met the perkiness factor.   
  
"Hi," she said, forcing a smile. She had other things on her mind. Like a certain dark, brooding man... Anyway. Riley was waving like a madman and she felt her eye twitch. Twice. What a record.   
  
Riley picked her up and hugged her tightly. "Riley, I need to breathe," she gasped. He dropped her and she slowly stood up, dusting herself off.   
  
"How are you today?" Riley said really quickly. "Isn't it just lovely weather for vamipre slayage? Have you been thinking about me? Do you miss me? I missed you! We were apart a whole hour! It was the worst time of my life! Worse even than digging out a chip from my heart with a piece of glass! Tell me how much you love me again! Tell me, tell me! Pwease???" He tried to make his puppy dog face. Unfortunately, he succeeded. His puppy dog face looked like he was a sick cow giving birth and eating a dinosaur at the same time.   
  
Buffy stared at him, trying hard to keep the exasperation off her face. "Not now, Riley. I saw a Kuljak demon pass through here. Why don't you go and play?" She hoped that her tone wasn't patronizing. Or maybe she did. Her emotions confused her at times. To soothe herself, she imagined Riley being beat over the head by a 2x4. Repeatedly. She smiled.   
  
"Ok!" Riley hopped off to his sandbox. He liked his sandbox. It was actually a pile of manure, but it was fun to pretend it was a sandbox.   
  
Buffy sighed. "Alone at last," she whispered. Not for long, however   
  
Buffy felt the vampire long before she could see it. Strangely, it wasn't attacking, or insulting her, or doing any of the other things vampires do. Instead it was standing... just... standing. Buffy spun her stake slowly in between her fingers. "Damn it." The stake slipped. She bent down to get it. The vampire moved. Buffy glanced over a Riley. He sat, blissfully ignorant, in his pile of manure. She gagged. He was making a manure angel.   
  
"Buffy, you wanna come in?" he yelled at the top of the lungs. Buffy winced at the noice of his screeching voice. The vamipre suddenly twitched. Buffy squinted. Who was this vampire? Why hadn't he attacked her yet?   
  
"Come on, Buffy!" Riley yelled again. "If you get too smelly, you can always take a shower!...With me!" Buffy winced again, only for a different reason. A shower with Riley? Not in this lifetime...   
  
"Not now, Riley." The patronizing tone came back. "I'm busy." Riley pouted, but he continued doing his... his... whatever-he-called-it in the manure. She started to spin her stake again, trying hard to master this act.   
  
"Damnit!" The stake fell again. This time, when she knelt to get it, the vampire came out. Buffy stood and turned to face it, her stake raised. Riley giggled and threw a slop of manure.   
  
"You actually sleep with this guy?" the vampire asked. Buffy blushed. "There are worse out there..."   
  
The vampire laughed, an odd occurance for him. "Name one." Riley ran out of the manure and tackled the vampire. "Horsey!" he yelled. "Let's play horsey!"   
  
Buffy suddenly had no problem admitting that there was none.   
  
"All right. So who are you, anyway?" Buffy asked the vampire.   
  
"I'm a messenger," the vampire replied. "And I'm here to say that things are going to pick up. And... for the love of God, GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!" The vampire screamed and howled as Riley clung to it's back, wrapping his legs around the vampire's midsection. Buffy stared, her eyebrow creeping slowly towards her hairline.   
  
"This can't get any worse. "   
  
"I've come to save you!" Spike shouted, leaping on top of Riley and the vampire. Buffy shook her head and groaned.   
  
"Never say that things can't get any worse," the vampire gasped.   
  
"Can I stake you now?" Buffy asked. Spike rolled off of Riley and the vamipre, wiping manure off him.   
  
"Can you warn me next time that you're not in grave danger?"   
  
The vampire gasped for a breath, though he needed none. "Please. Stake me now. Anything to get away from this... thing."   
Buffy stuck the stake through the vamp's heart as Riley began to cry. "Now who will be my horsey?"   
  
Riley's eyes drifted to Spike. Riley grinned happily and jumped onto Spike. "Horsey!"   
  
Buffy sighed. She shook her head at his idiocity and walked away, muttering something about stupid men. Spike screamed. He knew he was going to regret this, but it would be worth it. He fell down backwards. Since he had the intention of harming Riley, he felt the searing pain start. But he gritted his teeth and felt the satisfying smack of Riley hitting the cement. Spike stood, free of the manure-stained Riley. "Take that, Fishboy."   
  
Riley began to cry loudly and obnoxiously. He didn't know how to cry any other way. "My horsie's gone!!!" Suddenly Riley spotted another manure pile. "My sandbox!" Riley began to make a ManureMan.   
  
  
"Dawn, I'm home!" Buffy called, entering her house. "Dawn?" Buffy heard flutters of laughter coming from the kitchen. "Dawn? Willow?" She walked into the kitchen. Inside she found something no person should ever after to see.   
  
Giles.. in drag.   
  
"Giles!" Buffy exclaimed. Giles blushed.   
  
"IT WASN'T MY BLOODY FAULT!" Giles exclaimed, and shrank into a mouse.   
  
Buffy stared at him. "Something odd is happening here...," she muttered. "I mean, he's in drag? Usually he's smoking crack. Or having sex with my mom. On top of a police car. 5 times."   
  
Giles looked up at her. "I'm not in drag. It's all in your mind." Buffy stared. Giles stared. Buffy stared. Giles stared.   
  
"Giles," Buffy started, speaking slowly. "You don't have mind-influencing powers." Giles stared. He blinked.  
  
"Oh yes." He adjusted his dress a little. "Does this dress make me look fat?"   
  
Buffy stared. "I'm going to go... demon hunt," Buffy said, leaving. She shook her head. She headed towards an ever-present cemetary, only to run into...   
  
"Buffy, you came back!" Riley exclaimed. Riley or Giles in a dress, Buffy wondered. Which was worse? Buffy sighed and began to turn around. Unfortunately, she slipped on some of Riley's manure. Can this day get any worse? she asked herself. Before she could get up, she felt someone lifting her upright. "Angel?" Note to self: Never ask if things can get worse ever again.   
  
"Hi Buffy." Silence. Buffy and Angel stared at each other for five moments in complete silence, studying each other, trying to see what the other was thinking.   
  
"Heeey!" Riley's shrill scream broke the reverie. "I remember you! You kicked my ass!" Angel involuntarily went into his game face. But only for a second. He was back in normal guise and he turned to face Riley. Feeling impish, he held up his hand and saluted Riley with the middle finger. And then he turned to Buffy. "Cordelia had a vision." Buffy was about to ask about that but another question found it's way to the surface.  
  
"Isn't that a little cliched?" she asked. Angel nodded.   
  
"Why can't I have visions?!" Riley whined. Buffy and Angel ignored him.   
  
"It was a vision of some horrible thing coming to Sunnydale."   
  
Buffy sighed. "Isn't that was always happens?" Buffy asked.   
  
"No," Angel said.   
  
"Well yes, but I meant that some monsterous beastish thing is coming. You won't be able to stop it. You'll die trying."   
  
Riley started to cry.   
  
"What is it?" Buffy asked, exasperated. "I went poopie in my pants!"   
  
Angel stared at Riley. "You're covered in manure, and you care about poop in your pants?" Angel asked.   
  
"Yes. Yes I do."   
  
"Where did you find him? The cesspool of idiocity?" Angel shook his head. "Anyway. The thing that's going to kill you is - "  
  
"No fair, only I get to protect you!" Riley interrupted. Angel's eye twitched.   
  
"It's a -"   
  
"I want cheese!"   
  
Angel growled, fairly annoyed. "It's name is - "   
  
"Hey look, a big wad of... stuff!"  
  
Angel slipped into his game face from habit. "Can I kill him?" He begged Buffy.   
  
"No, Giles gets pissy if I let anyone die," Buffy replied. "You were saying...?"   
  
"Kulja-"   
  
"Cheese!"   
  
"Kulj-"   
  
"RABID MONGOOSE!"   
  
"Kulja-"   
  
"Oh, my mistake."   
  
"KULJA-"   
  
"Wow, look at that!"   
  
"IT'S A FRIGGING KULJAK DEMON AND IF I CAN'T KILL RILEY I'M GOING TO KILL SOMETHING ELSE!" He eyed a ranom passer-byer that was really really fat and was bald.   
  
"But it's not fair if you get to kill him! I've been waiting a whole year! Giles keeps saying he could be useful though..."   
  
Angel stared at Riley. "How?"   
  
Riley started throwing manure at Angel. "Please?" Angel plead.   
  
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Fine, but only if you tell Giles you turned for 5 minutes and was forced to kill him."   
  
Angel hesitated. "I'm Angel. I may lurk and hide, but I won't tell a lie." Buffy opened her mouth. "Don't say it." Buffy closed her mouth. Only for a second though.   
  
"So how's this Kuljak demon going to kill me, anyway?" Angel thought. Hard. A sweat popped out.   
  
"I think it was something along the lines of annoying you to death..." He glanced over at Riley.   
  
"Not far from the truth," Buffy said. Riley was running around his manure, until he hit a blade of grass and fell over.   
  
"Ow, I broked my leg," Riley whined, rolling onto his back. Buffy shook her head.   
  
"Help me."   
  
Buffy stepped on Riley's leg. He cried out in pain, bringing a smile to Buffy's face. "Sorry, Riley. Your leg will be just fine." Buffy stepped on his leg a few more times. And kicked it. And dropped manure on it.   
  
"Manure!" Riley squealed, his leg healed.   
  
Buffy looked pleadingly at Angel. "Kill him. Who cares what Giles says? He's going to leave next seas-- I said nothing. Nothing at all. Just kill him!" Angel sighed.   
  
"Wouldn't it be... wrong?" Buffy kicked Riley's leg again.   
  
"Yes. Very wrong."   
  
Angel considered. "Ok."   
  
From his mysterious trench coat, Angel pulled out a chainsaw and revved it. He grinned maniacally. Buffy backed away slightly. She turned around, not willing to hear Riley scream. She did hear Angel curse, however. The chainsaw stopped.   
  
"He broke my chainsaw." Angel looked at the broken pieces. "How the HELL does a person break a chainsaw?!"   
  
Buffy blinked. He said the h-word. Angel kicked Riley in the ribs. Twice. He pulled out a convenient 2x4 and smashed Riley's head. Repeatedly. Except that the 2x4 broke after smashing against Riley's thick skull.   
  
"Why is this happening to me???" she yelled.   
  
"I can make things better," Riley said suggestively, inching towards her.   
  
"That's it!" Buffy yelled. "I don't care if I am taking a human life! To me, you're not human!" With that, she picked up her stake and drove it into Riley's heart. And began to cry.   
  
Angel hugged her tightly. "It's ok, there there, Buffy," Angel whispered. "Everything will be ok."   
  
Buffy cried harder. "No it won't! He broke Mr. Pointy! I can't even kill him!"   
  
Angel stoked Buffy's hair a bit. "Maybe fire would work," he whispered, eyeing Riley angrilly. Buffy sniffled, holding what was left of Mr. Pointry.   
  
"You think so?" She looked up at him with huge eyes.   
  
"Don't do that."  
  
Buffy let her eyes go back to normal. "Now, we need a flamethrower."   
  
Suddenly, Dawn appeared. "I was rummaging through the trash when I Found this!" Dawn handed Buffy a working flamethrower and disappeared.  
  
"Hey, she was good for something..." Buffy shrugged.  
  
Riley looked at Buffy with puppyeyes. Again, he only succeeded in looking like the cow that he was.   
  
"Awwwww... you'd never kill me Buffy!" Buffy grinned EBILLY and pointed the flamethrower at him. "Right... Buffy?" he asked, looking now like a cigarette although he was trying to look like a puppydog. Buffy flicked a switch and heard the whirring of power. She grinned wider.   
  
"Say hello to Mr. Pointy Jr.!"   
  
Angel looked at Buffy oddly. "Buffy, it's not pointy."   
  
Buffy glared at Angel. "Well... well... WHATEVER! DO YOU WANT TO BE FLAMED?" Angel shook his head and shrunk back. "Now where was I?"  
  
"You were gonna toast me," Riley said helpfully.   
  
"Oh yeah."   
  
Buffy thumbed the switch, allowing a column of flame to shoot out of the nozzle. They engulfed Riley and Angel laughed, before realizing that he shouldn't. Suddenly, Joanna Dark appeared and fired her Falcon 2 into the charred mess that was Fish Boy. Then she disappeared, off to save the world from evil fat bald aliens.   
  
Bun-Bun appeared, looked around, and said, "Nerd-boy is SO dead."  
  
Bun-bun poinged over to Angel. "You look nerdy. You'll do to take my anger out on." He pulled out a switch-blade and ka-clicked it. "Time to die, poof-boy."   
  
"HEY!" Spike shouted from behind a bush. "I'M THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO CALL HIM POOF-BOY!"   
  
"You call him "The great poof' though, Spike," Riley's corpse helpfully added. Buffy glared at him and he returned to being a charred corpse.   
  
"DOESN'T MATTER!"   
  
"Like you could ever kill ME!" Bun-bun scoffed.   
  
Spike reverted to game face. "Wanna bet?"  
  
Bun-Bun poked Spike in the chest with his switchblade. "I win."   
  
Spike blinked. "You suck." He stomped away, crossing his arms.   
  
"Do you see the swift execution of that move?" Angel asked Buffy.  
  
"Yeah, there was no muss. Just straight and to the point."   
  
"Spike had no chance. He prefers to use his hands..."   
  
Bun-Bun stared. "Okay, both of you are geeks," Bun-Bun said, waving his switchblade menacingly.   
  
"Go kill Riley," Buffy said, pointing at the charred corpse.   
  
"It's already dead."   
  
"So?"  
  
"So... he doesn't need to be killed" Bun-bun said looking at them oddly. "I never thought I'd ever miss nerd-boy or the great poingster, but... I DO! YOU ARE LAME FREAKING FREAKS!"   
  
"Most freaks are freaking!" Riley's corpse added helpfully.   
  
"You see what he needs to be killed again?" Buffy asked raising her eyebrow.   
  
"Hmmm... point." ::KA-CLICK::  
  
  
A/N: Ok, we ended it there but the ending was lame, so I'm leaving it like this. Maybe more later, if people like it enough. :D 


End file.
